Jesse Stoddard

How To Finally Achieve Real Ultimate Failure

Do you feel a guilty obligation to be “successful?”

With the thousands of books, media, gurus, personalities, seminars, video and audio programs inundating the marketplace, it’s natural to come to the conclusion that you need to make your life all about winning.

Indeed, the problem is that these success principles are too easy to come by. They are so plentiful in number that you can trip over them on the way to the unemployment office.

Truly, the Psychology of winning has become passé, blasé, and a forgotten whimsy of yesterday.

The problem with success is you have to focus on something for extended periods of time, which of course is such an easy concept to grasp that just any old fool can do it…

…Which means, frankly, that it is no longer special.

And if everyone is special, then no one is. If everyone is to be successful, then by definition, success is just a humdrum average.

After all, anything worth having must be difficult, miserable, and darn near impossible to attain without a lot of plodding along, incremental frustrating processes, replete with a generous helping of boring and uninspiring toil.

Nay, I urge you to…

Back Away From The Success, Sir!

Embrace the creed of the underachiever; and actively pursue the utter collapse, defeat, nonfulfillment, and foundering of the fiasco you call your life.

I understand if in the past your attempts at failure have been a snafu. If I was a washout like you I too would have decided to settle on mediocrity as a life goal. It’s really easy to let happen, but it’s important you not beat yourself up about it (unless that makes you depressed, which could help you lose in life).

The good news is that you can still bomb.

See, in spite of all the hype, failure is not something that can just be easily picked up at a weekend seminar or learned from the drunken slurs of a burned-out high school assembly motivational speaker—In a van down by the river.

No, the kind of failure that I’m talking about is the ne’er-do-well, no-hoper, dead loss, dud, write-off, busted flush, defective kind of total derelict breakdown.

…And that kind of inadequacy is an art and science that takes a lifetime of study.

I assure you it took a great deal of miserable and boring repetitive frustration to devolve my path into something truly wretched to be proud of.

I do believe, however, that you too can become a total miserable deadbeat by following my approach. If I did it, so can you.

That’s why I created the Complete Failure Mastery System™️

…which you may buy for a sizable sum of money; hopefully using credit that feeds your serious debt problem and gambling habit.

Ironically, it’s also a key ingredient in my Real Ultimate Success Guru Program complete with 12 Beta tapes and 16 scratched LP records, jam-packed with loser lessons and countless duplicable failure examples of all make and models that you can emulate, right from the comfort of your well-worn, Dorito laden, bed-bug infested mattress.

When you get the Complete Failure Mastery System™️, you’ll learn:

  • How to Quickly and Easily End All Your Relationships With Total Ease
  • How to Lose Sight of Your Keys, Your Wallet, and Your Future
  • How to Make Your Job Prospects Disappear Faster Than a Twinkie At a Weight Watchers Meeting.
  • How to Become Emotionally Unavailable And Totally Avoid Intimacy

In this 14-hour course, you’ll also learn:

  • The Dirty Little Secret About Hard Work That Makes It Completely Meaningless
  • 17 Ways To Blow Your Life Savings On Video Game Micro-transactions

Now, before we go further, it is important for me to mention that as your certified Failure Coach™️, you need to know that this isn’t for everyone.

This is not for people who insist on having a steady job, a loving relationship, or even a house that the sheriff isn’t threatening to break down the front door of.

Winners need not apply.

It has taken me over 30 years to be able to achieve the amazing and total failures that I have mastered, and getting to these break-neck speeds of failure takes a serious commitment.

But it’s not going to take you 30 years!

In fact, some people report being able to hit rock bottom in as little as 3 days!

That’s right, only 3 days to depressing oblivion!

Here’s the dirty little secret!

You too can conjure up just as many (if not more!) terribly depressing stories from your past as well. You just aren’t practiced at looking at the glass as half-empty… Yet!

Become A Total Loser, Just Like These Historical Examples Illustrate.

History is riddled with epic fails for you to model! Our course will help you be just as terrible at life skills so that you can have similar results as:

  • The Austrian army in 1788 who accidentally attacked itself and lost 10,000 men
  • Filling the Hindenburg with hydrogen
  • The 12 book publishers that rejected Harry Potter

Now, don’t for one minute think you can’t be just as miserable and fall just as hard as these historic failures. We’ve got you covered! And it’s all inside the amazing Complete Failure Mastery System™️.

Can I Get A Taste Of Just How Pathetic I Might Become?


We have created a list of things that will help any aspiring loser to begin the process of ruin, no matter how successful you feel you are right now.

Regardless of advantage or privilege, you can begin the crumbling path of woe today.

The 7 Seven BAD Decisions

These are true principles to begin whenever you get around to forgetting to procrastinate:

  1. I will avoid all responsibility. Adversity is painful and annoying and needs to be evaded.
  2. I will avoid wisdom. I will choose my friends haphazardly and allow the basest of influences get into my head.
  3. I am a person of inaction. I can’t make decisions and I will procrastinate.
  4. I have an undecided heart. Life and the future are ruled by chaos, nothing really matters, and I can’t decide anyway.
  5. Today I will choose to be unhappy. I am the possessor of an ungrateful and spiteful heart.
  6. I will greet this day with an unforgiving spirit. I will blame everyone else, hold grudges forever, and especially hate myself.
  7. I will give up easily. I will make excuses when things get difficult and quickly abandon hope.


Now that is just a taste of what you will learn inside the Complete Failure Mastery System™️. We go in-depth into every poor decision and break it down so that you can plummet to an all-time low.

You might be wondering how much this amazing program is.

That’s the best part! The total value of this system is at least 3 bucks. In fact, with all the stressful negativity that will begin to stack on top of your already fractured life, your money and dignity will likely be gone faster than a bottle of Pepto-Bismol in a Taco Bell.

…And that my friend, is priceless.

But today you can have it for only a lifetime of torment and despondency.

I am so confident that you will achieve a sorrowful tribulation, that I am willing to give you my no-questions-asked 100% unsatisfied guarantee of deprivation and woe.

So good luck to you! You will definitely not have any, especially if you buy this course.

Act now! Time is limited and this offer will go away, either by the company going bankrupt or someone forgetting to pay the utility bills.

P.S. Remember, you can become a modest loser overnight, but it takes a lifetime to master Epic Failure.




The Seven BAD Decisions Info-Graphic
The Seven BAD Decisions Info-Graphic
Jesse Stoddard

Jesse Stoddard


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